when i was kid, there was a spark, and the fantasies that were quickly suppressed
i did not feel comfortable in this body. this female body. i moved wrong, i was wrong.
it’s really difficult to talk about this now, when almost a quarter decade has passed where i’ve been cis-presenting. i continue to be cis-passing and because of that, i don’t face the pressure and the danger that many (most) of my transgender friends face, exacerbated by the fact that they are all BIPOC.
last year, i told my best friend sonny over the phone that i have an alter-ego, Cyrus, who was cooler and more easy with himself. i spelled out the entire fantasy, this person who moves through the world with ease because he is exactly who he is supposed to be. Cyrus has never existed in this world, really. just the one in my head.
do you know what a choice is? a choice is for me to cower behind femme-ness, to cloak myself fully within the gender i was assigned at birth.
i dont feel comfortable taking up space in this discourse.
all i know is this: my pronouns cannot be she/her if i am being honest with myself.
i am afraid of coming out even to myself.
Cyrus has never seen the light of day.
He only knows of whispers in the night, to best friends on the phone.
gigiestee.com 